Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.