I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
