I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
