I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked