You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
