But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
