This girl is more easily done than said...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
