The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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