Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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