I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
a search helicopter?!
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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