saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
this will be a night to untag.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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