She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
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I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
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dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
That was an excessively violent trivia night
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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