She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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