I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I touched a dick in church today
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
