I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
