so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
