If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
