'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
