if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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