Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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