Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
