does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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