Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
