don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
