3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
