Apparently you make a good broom.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
