I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
