I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
