There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
