im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
