I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
