It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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