I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
