He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
