Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
