are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
