if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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