Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
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i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
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HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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