$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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