whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
