I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
