All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
