Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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