I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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