I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
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