I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
