here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
