Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
