By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
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