I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
