I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
