Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
