why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
