Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
