Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
