I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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