I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Randomize
