Are we in a gay sports bar?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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