Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You can't just leave with hair like that
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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