He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
