Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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