My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
