I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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