I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
