I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Randomize
