Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Randomize
