i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
