When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
i need some magic done to my vagina
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Randomize
