I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
