just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
