Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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