There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
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Be still, my beating vagina.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
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and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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